EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE: WHEN LOVE BECOMES SLAVERY
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Usually when we talk about addiction we think of alcohol, drug or tobacco abuse. Only in recent years has the attention of the community and scientific research shifted the focus to behavioral addictions not related to the use of substances. Emotional Dependence, in particular, does not currently have a place in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, despite it being a problem that is increasingly under the spotlight. This lack makes it very difficult to identify and classify this behavioral addiction (and others). Furthermore, it can be complicated to delineate the boundary between normal behavior and pathological addictive behavior.
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE?
Back in 1945, the doctor and psychoanalyst Otto Fenichel provided a first definition of “emotional dependence” (AD). He spoke of love-dependents , referring to subjects who need love like drugs or food . More recently, Galimberti defines the phenomenon of AD as a relational modality in which an individual continually calls upon others because he or she is in need of help, guidance and support.
From these two perspectives, it is clear that enthusiastic dependence is a complex term to characterize. It does not only incorporate neuropsychological aspects, but also behavioral, social, mental, and social ones that require an approach that considers the multidimensionality of the phenomenon.
In common, we must not forget that reliance implies a relationship of distance and subordination of somebody or something to somebody else.
So, transposing this to the sentimental field, it appears clear that those who live as emotional dependents are very far from the idea of freedom and autonomy. The main features of emotional dependence include: control, length, repetition, severity, endurance, discord, fluctuations in mood, withdrawal symptoms, and relapse.
SIMILARITIES BETWEEN EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE AND DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER:
It is possible to find analogies between those who suffer from emotional dependence and the dependent personality disorder outlined in the DSM 5 and manifested with the following constellation:
Difficulty making decisions in everyday life without seeking reassurance and advice from others.
Taking on others responsibilities that should be one’s own.
Fear of antagonizing others and jeopardizing their approval.
Difficulty in starting projects without support from others.
An overwhelming desire to seek help and support from others, including permitting others to intrude instead of resisting or disapproving.
Feeling vulnerable and helpless when alone.
Desperately seeking another relationship when the previous one ends.
Unrealistic concern about being left alone and inability to care for oneself.
The points of agreement are explicit, but scholars underline the need to create a specific nosography that also refers to the differences in causes and symptoms.
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEALTHY COUPLE RELATIONSHIP AND DYSFUNCTIONAL COUPLE RELATIONSHIP:
Let’s start by defining a healthy relationship:
Love is a wonderful feeling, it has inspired artists, stone carvers, singer-songwriters, and many other specialists. Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy closes with this final verse “The love that moves the sun and the other stars“… In fact, love is something dynamic, it is a process in which one person tries to get to know another day after day. We are constantly evolving, and so also love, if healthy, grows and changes with us . Contrary to what is usually believed, love is the meeting of two units, not two halves. Capturing it in its entirety is the key to giving yourself to the other, without canceling yourself out or losing yourself in him. When you are in the initial stages of a relationship, when everything is a discovery and you are driven by curiosity to know better the person in front of you. You feel emotions of euphoria, joy and enthusiasm related to the closeness with your partner. During the stage of falling in love, it is completely normal to continuously “search for the other” and for the desire/need to “be together” to emerge.
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What does it mean to love?
To love is the representation of the need and ability to overcome and go beyond oneself to arrive at the creation of a new reality together with the other. It is a team game characterized by balance, listening and communication, as well as respect for the original individuality of the person in front of us. The meaning of our life should never be sought in the other. For the well-being of both parties, maintaining a certain degree of autonomy and being able to seek and find a meaning in oneself is fundamental. Healthy love is based on a balanced harmony between autonomy and reciprocity .
Let’s talk about the dysfunctional relationship now :
Previously we have emphasized how in a healthy relationship it is important to maintain one’s autonomy. In a dysfunctional relationship this important aspect is missing and with it the respect and value that we attribute to our person is also lost. The concept of emotional dependence refers, in fact, to a pathological state in which the relationship of the couple is considered essential. The other is the real and unique prerequisite that one cannot do without for one’s own life. One enters into a sort of vicious circle, the more one is rejected by the person they love, the more one increases the efforts to stay close to him , no matter what the cost. To remain in the orbit of the other, emotional dependents are willing to do anything. For example, I end up enduring and tolerating unpleasant, sometimes humiliating situations that for most people would be unbearable.
Emotional dependence: giving up for the other…
The behavioral modalities implemented by the DA lead to living by annulling oneself within an unhealthy relationship. One’s goals, interests and desires are automatically put in a corner, in a gray area. Thus one ends up not feeling able to listen to oneself and one loses the ability to perceive one’s own needs. Dependent people are inhibited and experience distressing emotions on a daily basis. They fear abandonment and if left alone they feel vulnerable to adversity, requests and challenges of the world around them. Maladaptive behavior, which leads to a devaluation of oneself and an idealization of the other, also leads to an attribution of blame that in reality one does not have. The result of such beliefs usually translates into phrases such as: “I am constantly making mistakes and that’s why he behaves like this”. “I am not worthy of being loved, I am a disaster”; “If I had not made him nervous he would not have yelled at me or offended me”.
What are the consequences for those who live in relationships in a dependent manner?
The consequences of emotional dependence are in particular a decrease in self-esteem and self-confidence , and even loneliness and rejection. We can say that emotional dependence is the antithesis of self-love . Those who suffer from emotional dependence, not having learned to love themselves, want to be loved by someone else with the idea of filling a void. A vast emptiness that permeates and creates a sense of inadequacy, ultimately resulting in feeling undeserving of recognition.
Emotional dependence makes one live in a negative relational condition that has its basis in the chronic absence of reciprocity in the emotional life and within the couple. This causes psychological discomfort and both physical and mental stress, rather than aiming at the well-being and serenity of individuals.
SMALL STRATEGIES TO “GET OUT” OF EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE:
Start changing behaviors that aren’t working.
Build your financial independence.
Highlight your strengths and resources.
Engage in an independent activity daily, in addition to and for others.
Learn to listen to your emotions: deal with the negative ones and enhance the positive ones.
Cease agreeing when you actually wish to decline.
Savor the small successes you achieve and don’t stop.
Emotional dependence: the importance of therapeutic intervention
In some cases, it is of fundamental importance to ask for help from a psychotherapist. Brief Strategic Therapy, through the use of specific techniques, guides those who are trapped in emotional dependence to develop emotional maturity. The objective to be pursued, from the first stages of intervention, is aimed at abandoning dysfunctional scripts and building a balanced relationship with others and with oneself.
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