Love addiction , like counterdependence and codependence , is not included in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders ) , so we cannot officially speak of a true love addiction disorder.
Nonetheless, emotional dependence can be considered one of the new addictions , also known as behavioral addictions, like sexual addiction or compulsive shopping . Let’s discover together the meaning of emotional dependence in psychology, starting with its definition.
What is emotional dependence?
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Dependence is not inherently pathological: it’s no coincidence that humans are born dependent on someone else’s care and evolved as a species within a group. But dependence can become a problem when it becomes a dysfunctional way of relating to others: this is the case with emotional dependence .
The concept of emotional dependence entered the clinical lexicon after the publication of the book Women Who Love Too Much , written by psychotherapist R. Norwood , which investigates the psychological mechanisms of emotional and relational dependencies of those women who are unable to put an end to what is commonly defined as a “ toxic relationship ”.
Love addiction is in fact a dysfunctional behavior that pushes the emotionally dependent person to establish a morbid attachment to a person , even “when the relationship with him puts our emotional well-being at risk, and perhaps even our health and safety”, as Norwood herself underlines in her book.
Love-dependent people place their loved one at the center of their universe, desiring to become indispensable to them and devoting themselves to them with absolute dedication. Thus, even a small or brief separation is experienced as a risk of abandonment.
As in other forms of pathological dependence, in emotional dependence we also observe an alteration in the person’s behavior , aimed at the exhausting attempt to keep under control emotions considered intolerable such as sadness and anxiety , which arise from the fear of being rejected or distanced from the other.
Dependent love
Emotional dependence is an emotional dependence that does not only concern romantic relationships , but can also characterise a friendship or a family bond (for example, one can experience dependence on one’s mother even in adulthood).
The dependent relationships that develop in these cases are based on an unhealthy bond , in which the search for the other is, more profoundly, a search for confirmation of one’s own value and the filling of one’s own inner emptiness . The person does not consider themselves worthy of love, but is extremely in need of it.
You can become emotionally dependent after the end of a relationship or because of unrequited love fueled by intense jealousy . You can even experience emotional dependence on your therapist. But before learning more about the causes of emotional dependence and the different types, let’s try to find out how to tell if a person is suffering from emotional dependence.
How to recognize emotional dependence
Symptoms of emotional dependence can be both physical and psychological. As with other behavioral addictions , psychological dependence on a person is characterized by :
- from the sense of satisfaction and pleasure that comes from being close to the person on whom one is dependent
- from the need to spend an ever-increasing amount of time with others, putting the time dedicated to oneself in the background
- from withdrawal crisis : withdrawal from emotional dependence is caused by the absence of the other and can be accompanied by anxiety attacks or real panic attacks , and by strong anger
- from feelings of shame , remorse and guilt towards your partner when you realise you are dependent on someone.
Among the useful tools for recognizing emotional dependence, within a psychological process it is also possible to make use of questionnaires and diagnostic tests, including the Affective Dependence Scale (ADS-9), a useful tool for identifying the pathological components of emotional dependence.
Typical behaviors of emotional dependence
How does an emotionally dependent person behave ? In emotional dependencies , behaviors include:
- romantic fantasies , useful for easing the feeling of loneliness and the fear of rejection
- attachment bond aimed at allaying the fear (conscious or unconscious) of abandonment and mitigating self-esteem problems .
The symptoms of emotional dependence are reflected in many aspects of daily life , which begins to revolve entirely around the figure of the other:
- there is no longer room for one’s own emotions or needs , but only those of the partner count (which makes one vulnerable to emotional manipulation )
- self -esteem is strongly influenced by the approval given by the other , seen as the only remedy for one’s own insecurity which, when the emotionally dependent person is left, emerges with extreme intensity
- every behavior or action is aimed at making oneself indispensable to the other and guided by a constant fear of abandonment .
But what lies behind emotional dependence?
The causes of emotional dependence
The causes of emotional dependence can be traced back to childhood and the experiences of the family of origin . During therapy to free oneself from emotional dependence, it’s not uncommon to ask, for example, “What kind of child was an emotional dependency?”
Tracing a child’s attachment style can be an excellent way to understand how to help an emotionally dependent person, how to break free from emotional dependence, and how to achieve greater psychological well-being.
What triggers emotional dependence in childhood? It’s likely due to overly apprehensive parental figures who didn’t allow the child the space to experience a variety of experiences, or who adopted an attitude of conditional acceptance , whereby the child learned to adapt to external demands in order to receive the love, attention, or approval of the adults they care about.
Types of emotional dependence
In psychology, emotional dependence can have different nuances that outline different profiles of the love addict . Among these, we cite some identified by the association Love Addicts Anonymous :
- obsessive emotional dependence : the dependence on the partner is very strong and, even though the latter may have devaluing, abusive or controlling behaviours, the person is unable to detach themselves from him/her
- relationship dependence : even though he or she recognizes that the bond is not based on a feeling of love, the emotionally dependent person is unable to end the relationship because the fear of being alone ( anuptaphobia ) is too strong.
- Codependency : This is a type of relationship in which partners are dependent on each other. Sometimes the emotionally codependent person becomes involved in relationships with people who have other addictions or personality disorders (such as in a relationship between an emotionally dependent person and a narcissist) .
- Ambivalent love dependence : those who experience it suffer from avoidant personality disorder , desperately needing love but terrified of intimacy. In this case, love dependence can impact a couple’s sexuality and intimate aspects, so much so that the ambivalent love dependent may seek what they already know will be unrequited love or avoid establishing a deeper bond.
Emotional dependence and personality
Characteristics of emotional dependence can also be found in some personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder or dependent personality disorder (of which emotional dependence can be a manifestation).
Love dependence can be confused with dependent personality disorder, but while love dependence refers to romantic relationships, those with a dependent personality tend to manifest this characteristic pervasively in many aspects of daily life.
For example, they have difficulty being independent and, as an adult, may have difficulty leaving home or continuing to seek parental approval even for trivial decisions. In general, unlike emotional dependence, personality disorders have an ego-stinct character compared to behavioral dependence .
While those with a personality disorder often struggle to realize they have a disorder, in cases of emotional dependence the person experiences symptoms that cause discomfort ( egodystonia ), even if they are not always able to manage or overcome it.
A relationship with a narcissist , for example, would prove unsatisfactory in the long run for the emotionally dependent person who, although “predisposed” to step aside and “save” their partner by forgetting their own needs, would end up suffering from their own difficulty in ending the relationship.
But what happens when emotional dependence is experienced by only one member of the couple? How can the partner of the love-dependent person handle a relationship with these conditions ? How can one determine whether it’s love or emotional dependence? The answer may lie in psychological therapy, both individual and couples.
How to cure emotional dependence?
How can you recover from emotional dependence? Is it possible to escape on your own? If recovery is viewed not as a goal, but as a process , more or less complex and with variable duration, it is possible to begin a journey to escape the cycle of emotional dependence. The fundamental prerequisites are:
- the recognition of one’s dependence
- awareness of the consequences it has produced and could produce in the future
- the willingness to undertake a process of change to learn how not to be emotionally dependent on others.
For the treatment of emotional dependence, psychological therapy can be a valuable aid. Numerous testimonials tell how psychotherapy has been crucial in overcoming emotional dependence:
- to understand the difference between love and emotional dependence and find a new balance of feelings
- to act on the psychological mechanism that leads to not being able to live without a person, improving one’s self-esteem
- to learn how to get out of an emotionally dependent relationship or one with an emotionally dependent person.
Emotional dependence and psychological
Psychotherapeutic approaches that may be useful for finding solutions in the treatment of emotional dependence include: cognitive-constructivist therapy , brief strategic therapy , and cognitive behavioral therapy , approaches also used by the online psychologists Unobravo. Therapeutic work focuses primarily on:
- on restructuring dysfunctional beliefs about one’s own value and lovability
- on managing emotions related to the fear of loneliness, rejection and abandonment
- on the development of assertiveness , that is, the ability to recognize and express one’s needs and emotions, in order to build a stronger sense of autonomy and free oneself from the traps of manipulation.
In some cases, it may be helpful to perform exercises that address the dynamics of emotional dependence. For example, practicing mindfulness for anxiety can be very helpful in managing rumination about current or past relationships, while also promoting awareness of one’s emotions and a compassionate attitude toward oneself.
Sharing one’s experiences in love-dependent forums coordinated by experts, or participating in support groups or a self-help group, such as Love Dependents Anonymous , can also be valuable aids in overcoming love dependence.
Remember, you can count on the support of our network of professionals, including psychologists who can help you address emotional dependence . An online psychologist can guide you and help you understand what causes emotional dependence and what steps to take to begin overcoming this difficulty.
Emotional Dependence: Books, Films, and Songs on the Topic
To explore and delve deeper into emotional dependence, here are some recommended books:
- Emotional Dependence: Testimonies and Cases of Manipulation and Violence , edited by V. Saladino and E. Cabras, Carocci Editore
- Emotional Dependencies: When Love Hurts , P. Antonelli, Giunti Editore
- Too Much Love: Out of the Labyrinth of Emotional Dependence , AG Canovi, Sperling & Kupfer
- Saying No to Emotional Dependence. Learning to Believe in Yourself , Marie-Chantal Deetjens, Il punto di incontro editions
- Love Dependence. Diagnosis, Assessment, and Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment , A. Lebruto, G. Calamai, L. Caccico, V. Ciorciari, Erickson Publishing.
The theme of emotional dependence has also proved fascinating to some authors of novels and films about emotional dependence such as Ties Up, Light of My Eyes and First Love.
Some songs have also addressed the theme of emotional dependence, such as the famous songs La bambola by Patty Pravo and Minuetto by Mia Martini, up to the more recent Nostalgia by Blanco.
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